


That Weight Will Kill You, Let Me Carry It For You

by NeverSated



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 16:54:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverSated/pseuds/NeverSated
Summary: Natsuki's spent most of her life avoiding commitments, but Shizuru's confession during the Carnival has been weighing on her.  That and Shizuru's radio silence since beginning university.  It's given her nothing but time to think about all the things she ignored in her quest for revenge.  She finds she doesn't like it much.
Relationships: Fujino Shizuru/Kuga Natsuki
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	That Weight Will Kill You, Let Me Carry It For You

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old ship from an old fandom that still won't let me go. I've been trying to write them off and on for a decade. This was supposed to be part of a larger story, maybe it still will be one day. For now, I hope it's enough.

“You would have gone your whole life and never said a word, wouldn’t you?” Shizuru, who is seated across from her, says nothing. “You would have carried that weight forever, staying by my side, being my friend and, all the while, hurting yourself.”

Shizuru’s smile is resigned. “It is what I deserve. My feelings are...inappropriate.”

Natsuki shakes her head. “Why do you think that?

Shizuru looks at her. “It is not what I am supposed to be.”

“Who told you that?”

Shizuru gives a wry laugh. “Natsuki, have you looked at our society? At what is expected of people in my position?”

“Are you ashamed of how you feel?”

“I could never be ashamed of you,” Shizuru’s response is fierce, sharp.

“That’s not what I asked.”

Shizuru looks away, composes herself. “I know what I am. That is never going to change.”

Natsuki sighs. “Could you, just once, give me a straight answer.” Shizuru smiles, amused and Natsuki shakes her head. “You know what I mean.”

Shizuru laughs, genuine this time. “I apologize Natsuki. I do not intend to be obtuse.” At the glare she receives, she amendes her statement. “This time, I do not intend to be obtuse this time.”

“So why are you?”

Shizuru takes a deep breath. “It is a difficult thing to speak of, and there is so much baggage attached to this particular line of questioning.”

Natsuki stands for another moment then comes to sit beside Shizuru. “That’s why I’m here. I think…” she shakes her head, “I know that a lot of that is my fault.”

Shizuru stares at her, stunned. “How could it possibly be your fault? It was not you who behaved inappropriately.”

Natsuki is already shaking her head. “That wasn’t you. That was the Carnival.”

“It came from me though, my feelings, my desires.”

“So did everything each of us did. But it was outside our control. You, even more than most.” Shizuru watches her and Natsuki knows she needs to keep going. “You’d been carrying this incredible burden-”

“You are not a burden.”

“Believing you had to hide your feelings for me was.” She waits for Shizuru to argue, but she stays silent. “You’d been carrying this for so long with no one to talk to about it. And I was so...wrapped up in my own affairs that I didn’t notice.”

“You were not supposed to notice.”

“I know that,” Natsuki snaps, “but you’re my best friend too. I owe you more than that.”

Shizuru shakes her head. “I never wanted anything from you.”

Natsuki gives her a discerning look. “We both know that isn’t true.”

Shizuru considers a moment before responding. “I never expected anything from you.”

Natsuki nods. “So, you were trying to be my friend, to help without getting in my way, without nosing into my business. You did everything you could to respect my boundaries without letting me put myself in real danger. And I just kept coming around, a constant reminder of everything you thought you couldn’t have. And then Kikukawa just went and gave Nagi everything he needed to get to you.” She looks at Shizuru. “You’d done such an incredible job. No one knew you even had a weakness. None of what came after would have happened if she’d been stronger.”

Shizuru shakes her head. “Kikukawa-han was just protecting her most precious person.”

Natsuki scoffs. “By skulking in the shadows and spying on people.”

“Natsuki,” Shizuru counters, “that was what Nagi wanted, to turn us against each other.”

“Suzushiro never liked you.”

This earns a chuckle from Shizuru. “That is not true. Before I went mad, we shared a mutual respect.” Natsuki gives her an incredulous look. “She always believed I had the students’ best interests at heart, even if she did not think I worked hard enough.” Another scoff from Natsuki. “And I appreciated her...enthusiasm.” She smiles a smile Natsuki has seen many times before. “Especially when I could aim it at unimportant issues and get on with the business of managing the school.” She winks and Natsuki laughs.

“Fair enough,” Natsuki says once she’s managed to catch her breath.

“I am quite serious though,” Shizuru picks up the thread of their earlier conversation, “although I do not appreciate Kikukawa’s methods, I understand them. She is not to blame for my actions. One of my worst choices occurred before I was even aware she had been watching me.” Natsuki stares at her, waiting. “I should not have kissed you without your consent. That was the height of impropriety and I can only ask your forgiveness for it though I certainly do not deserve it.”

“It was,” Natsuki begins, rubbing the back of her neck, “not well timed. But neither was my reaction to what Suzushiro said.” Shizuru looks away from Natsuki. “Don’t do that, come back.” She does. “I never believed all those things Suzushiro said you know. I knew you better than that. I knew you would never take advantage of me in that way.”

“But I did,” Shizuru interjects.

Natsuki shakes her head. “You didn’t rape me.”

“No,” Shizuru’s response is just as firm, “but still I-”

“You gave in to a moment of weakness. You are human, after all, even if it’s usually hard to believe.” Shizuru chuckles and Natsuki smiles in return. “Is it the way things should have happened, no. But, honestly Shizuru, you killed the entire 9th District and the thing you feel the worst about is stealing a kiss?” 

For a moment, Shizuru does not respond, then she begins to laugh. Soon Natsuki joins in with her and they laugh until they are breathless. Once they have calmed, Shizuru speaks. “I would do that again,” her voice is low.

Natsuki meets her gaze. “I know.”

“Even without the Carnival’s influence, I would do anything to keep you safe. It is the only thing that has mattered to me for quite some time.”

Natsuki takes that in. “You, of all people, should understand why I wouldn’t know what to do with that. I’ve never...no one has ever..why Shizuru?”

That smile Natsuki has come to recognize as just for her blooms on Shizuru’s face. “Because I love you.”

Natsuki swallows hard against those words. “But why?”

Shizuru sighs. “I know you have never been able to see these things about yourself, but you must believe me when I tell you. That first time we met, in the garden, when you were so determined to crush the life of something beautiful and precious-” 

Natsuki chuckles. “You pulled me up short, knocked me completely off balance. Just like always.”

Shizuru’s eyes are warm. “I saw a young woman who was lost, who was searching for something. You had so much hurt and anger inside you. But I could see the desire to be loved too. The desire to matter, to connect. All that anger and sarcasm, you wielded it as a shield.”

“And you slipped past all my defenses immediately.”

“That,” Shizuru says with some mirth, “is up for interpretation. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to help you find your answers, your connection. And the more time I spent with you, the more my initial beliefs were proven true. That you had a good heart. That you cared about people, even if you did not want to. That you were intelligent and thoughtful. And,” she adds, almost as an afterthought, “genuinely the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.” 

Natsuki looks for the leer, but there isn’t one. Instead, she finds that same soft smile, those same warm eyes. 

“I know life has taught you to be distrustful, to expect nothing from anyone, to survive alone. But I saw you with Tokiho-han and Mikoto-kun. Even your interactions with me changed.”

“You’re the reason for that,” Natsuki whispers.

Shizuru’s eyes widen a fraction.

“Like I said, you got behind my walls so easily. But you never pushed, never asked questions. I found myself wanting to trust you, wanting to protect you.”

“I know. I know that is why you kept what you were doing from me. I know you only wanted to keep me safe.”

Natsuki nods. “I never really gave Mai that courtesy.”

“Tokiha-han could be quite...forceful,” Shizuru says, searching for the right word.

Natsuki laughs. “Pig-headed, I’d say, but I take your point. Still, I never...worried about her like I did you. If she wanted to tag along and put herself in danger, well, that was her choice.”

She looks at Shizuru. “But not you. I never wanted you to be involved.”

“I know.”

“I should have thought about what that meant, but I was so caught up in my own mess that I never did. That’s why I’m here. Because I’ve had nothing but time since you disappeared to university.”

“Natsuki-”

“I know, I know. You were trying to give me space. And you certainly forced me to think a lot, whether that was your intention or not.” She swallows, looks down at her hands, then back up at Shizuru. “I was a mess without you. I spent most of my time in my room, moping. Mai’s the one who got me to talk about it, who encouraged me to come find you.”

“That does sound like Tokiha-han.”

“She basically said I was an idiot for wallowing when I knew what needed to be done and that I should just go and do it. Your parents gave me your address.”

Shizuru’s eyes grow wide. “You went to my family home?”

“Yeah, how did you think I found you?”

“Natsuki, you have contacts that usually get that sort of information for you.”

She shrugs. “This was too...personal. I needed to do it myself.”

After a moment, Shizuru nods.

“So I went to talk to your parents who, by the way, are concerned about you.” Shizuru sighs. “They said you haven’t been yourself.” Shizuru does not reply, so Natsuki continues. “It surprised me, as strong a hold as you always have on that mask you wear, that your parents would notice.”

Shizuru’s smile is sad. “It has been a...difficult period.”

Natsuki scoffs. “That is such a you way to phrase it.” Shizuru’s smile warms and Natsuki returns it. “I missed you. So damn much. I didn’t realize how essential you’d become to me until you weren’t there anymore. It forced me to reassess a lot of things. To come to terms with the mess I’d made.”

“You did not-” Shizuru begins but Natsuki cuts her off.

“I did. I made this so much harder, for both of us, than it needed to be. If I’d just been honest with myself, with you, we could have avoided all these months of unhappiness.” 

Shizuru is staring at her now like she doesn’t know what to expect. 

“I love you.”

She hears the breath leave Shizuru.

“I know I said it before, but I didn’t say it right. Everything was so crazy. We were about to die as far as I knew. I didn’t have time to think things through. But I have now. I’ve had nothing but time and I want to be clear. I love you. I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time but I couldn’t see it for everything else.”

She goes quiet, waiting for a response. When one doesn’t come, she looks up. Shizuru is so still that, if she hadn’t known better, Natsuki would have thought she’d turned to stone. But her eyes are wet and Natsuki feels both hope and despair wash over her. 

“Am I too late?”

Then, slowly, that special smile unfurls on Shizuru’s face. “Too late...Natsuki...” her voice is barely a whisper.

Natsuki feels the smile bloom on her face, moves to kneel in front of Shizuru. She takes her face in both hands, comes in close until they are forehead to forehead. “Let’s do this right this time, okay?”

She feels Shizuru’s relieved laughter, feels her breath ghost against her lips. She closes the distance, feels Shizuru’s lips open under hers. Feels the exhalation of breath, held for years and years. She kisses her, not like the world is ending but like it is finally, finally beginning.


End file.
